Wednesday, 9 October 2013

a fresh start.

I thought I'd take the time to share with you a few of the things that take up huge parts of my life.
 Insecurity. Confidence. Trust. Self belief.

The last few months have been pretty awful for me, mainly because of those 4 things, amongst a few others. Last week I felt like it was about time I turned this around and started concentrating on me, my life & what makes me happy.

In a nutshell, I am probably thee most insecure person you will ever come to know. Now, I am a firm believer that everyone has confidence issues, everyone doubts themselves occasionally but over the last 22 years I have convinced myself that I will never truly be good enough, for anyone or anything. When I was in my 'teens' I was your typical miserable, moody teenager. But it was more than that. I spent from being 15 up until I was about 18 constatly fighting to find a reason to wake up in the morning, to even get out of bed. Once you tell yourself there's no point in you being here, a certain amount of times, you start to believe it. I convinced myself of a number of things; no one could ever truly love me, there was something wrong with me. Why would anyone want to care for someone like me? Someone with so many non-existant problems and such a negative outlook on life.

Now, in reality, I had nothing to be so unhappy about. I have a wonderful family, granted I had few friends & school was a hell hole, but nothing particular had happened to cause me to feel this low. To this day, I still don't understand what started that whole phase of my life, but I've carried it with me & it still affects me now.

I do not see the good in people, only the bad. I constantly assume that people have an ulterior motive because why would they want to be involved in my life? What reason do they have to like me? I have the most wonderful partner, who goes out of his way each and every day to attempt to make me happy and in return I am miserable, I repeatedly put him down, I moan and bitch about things he doesn't do, that he doesn't love me. Never taking into account the things he does and the things he sacrifices every single day. Anyone else would of left a hell of a long time ago and yet he's still right by my side and now I realise, THAT is love.

I have a handful of friends that I would die for. I have so much love for the people around me, so much that I want to give, yet I constantly doubt them. They're not bothered about me, they'll walk away like people in the past have, they don't love me as much as I love them. All of this stems from being insecure, having no confidence, having no trust in people.

Trying to change your outlook on yourself and life, when you've spent pretty much 22 years putting yourself down, being put down & telling yourself your life has no meaning, is more than difficult. I've decided to tackle this challenge head on and last Monday was my first 'fresh start' day. It was my first day back at University, my first day back into eating properly and going to the gym, my first day back to enjoying myself, enjoying the company I have and realising how lucky I actually am.

Deep down, I know that I'm bat shit crazy and that's what makes me, me. But it's about time I held my head up high and started convicing myself that my life does have meaning, I am here for a reason & not everyone is out to watch me fall. I've wasted my whole life in a shell, from now I am free.

To the most important people in my world; I want to be a better me for you, but most of all, for me.

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